Talk to Someone Who Can Help - Separation and Divorce

All of these feelings, thoughts and behaviors are normal. You and your children may experience some or all of them.

Issues your family will face...

When their parents separate children feel that their world has fallen apart. The majority of children will recover and heal. Children can have the same feelings as adults. However, they differ in their understanding and control of feelings. On-going hostility and conflict between their parents can result in life-long problems for children.

"All they did was fight all the time. I could hear them late at night. They said really bad things to each other. I used to lie in my bed and cry all the time. Now they’re going to get a divorce. I’m so scared."

Children often express their feelings and fantasies through their behavior

Your child may...

How to help your children



			"I was sure that our marriage would last forever. Now it’s over and I don’t know what to do. My children’s lives are ruined. I can’t eat or sleep. No one will ever want me."
			When a marriage ends everyone in the family hurts.
			You or your children might feel... Anxious Depressed Sad Helpless Angry Resentful Ashamed Embarassed Confused Lonely Fearful Guilty You or your children may... Be more forgetful or irritable Have difficulty at work or school Struggle with eating, sleeping concentrating or cry more often Have fleeting thoughts of death or dying All of these feelings, thoughts and behaviors are normal. You and your children may experience some or all of them. Issues your family will face... Telling your children, family and friends Negotiating a separation agreement A possible change in residence A possible change in school A possible change in financial status A new job or return to work Adjusting to your ex-spouse’s new relationships How to help yourself Stay Connected to Others Spend time with friends and family. Exercise and Eat Right These are two of the best ways to cope. Keep a Journal It’s a great outlet for your feelings. Consider a Support Group Sharing your feelings can help. Contact a Psychologist Get help if you or your children experience prolonged difficulties. Telling your children Tell your children when the decision to separate is definite. Try to tell your children about the decision to divorce together using words they can understand. Assure your children of your love and that you will still be part of their lives. Be specific about the changes that will happen in their lives. When their parents separate children feel that their world has fallen apart. The majority of children will recover and heal. Children can have the same feelings as adults. However, they differ in their understanding and control of feelings. On-going hostility and conflict between their parents can result in life-long problems for children. "All they did was fight all the time. I could hear them late at night. They said really bad things to each other. I used to lie in my bed and cry all the time. Now they’re going to get a divorce. I’m so scared." Children often express their feelings and fantasies through their behavior Your child may... Act out at home or school Have fluctuating or poor grades Be angry and uncooperative Cling and cry more easily Have trouble paying attention Appear uptight and tense Have trouble eating or sleeping Withdraw from family or friends Think they caused the divorce How to help your children Be Extra Affectionate This is a time when children need increased warmth and affection. Maintain Regular Structure and Discipline This makes children feel safe and secure. Support your children’s friendships and activities Children need to stay connected to their own lives. Don’t Bad Mouth or Blame Your Spouse Children have two parents. They want to love and be loyal to both of you. Don’t Ask Your Children to Take Care of You Your children need you to be their parent. Avoid using them as a friend or confidant.
Separation and Divorce are Traumatic for the Entire Family You and your children will have good days and bad days. Pay attention to patterns of behavior. If problems persist, get help. A psychologist can help with... Prolonged feelings of anxiety or depression. Feeling overwhelmed and unable to gain control of your life. Difficulty eating or sleeping. Difficulty concentrating at work, school or home. Difficulty expressing or controlling your feelings. Increased use of alcohol or drugs to self-medicate. Physical reactions including headaches, stomach aches and pains.
A Psychologist Can Help You Get Back on Your Feet Psychologists are specially trained to help you and your children recover from the trauma of a separation and divorce. A psychologist can work with you and your children to help you get through this stressful time. Adjusting to your "new" single life can be difficult. A psychologist can help you with many of the issues you will face including... Single Parenting Time Management Socializing and Dating Relationships with "His" or "Her" Family Co-Parenting with your Ex-Spouse Mediating Conflicts with your Ex-Spouse
Talk to Someone Who Can Help...
Prepared By: June Epstein Blum, Ph.D. and Marcella Bakur Weiner, Ed.D. The Brochure Project A Joint Venture of the Divisions of Psychotherapy and Independent Practice American Psychological Association Co-Directors: Alice Rubenstein, Ed.D. and Sandra Haber, Ph.D. Publication Coordinators Abraham Wolf, Ph.D. and Peter Sheras, Ph.D. © The Brochure Project, 1998 (602) 854-8950
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